Friday, April 1, 2011

I'm Not a Bleedin' Sex Therapist!


Hi I'm Roxy Carmichael and basically in my wild younger days I worked as a stew onboard superyachts. For five years I travelled the Med and the Caribbean. I had lots of wild adventures and recently I gave up that crazy life and settled down in the UK and decided to start writing my memoirs because basically you won't believe what goes on at sea - I guarantee it! I write when I can which isn't very often due to the pressures of the desk bound job I now have. But I find I love to write, and I'm really enjoying it. In fact, sometimes, when I'm writing something down and remembering all the strange characters I met during my career a lot of the time I'm just laughing my head off, remembering it all, and all the crazy parties we had. Pretty soon I'll be finished writing my book, and then hopefully I'll find a publisher and you'll all get to read it. That's the dream. Until then it's the slow hard graft of getting it down on the page.

One of the main problems of writing from home is that even if you tell people 'listen I'm writing a book so don't come round today' they seem to think you're bored or really want to have a cup of coffee and a chat. So this mate of mine, Lydia, she lives down the street and doesn't have much to do with her time so she's always popping round and asking me if I want to join her for a pedicure or a liquid lunch. Well of course I do but like I say I'm trying to write this memoir so I usually decline. So sometimes Lydia does get me to put down my quill pen - or rather to leave my battered old laptop for a few hours. Basically she always wants to talk about her marriage.



Well she has a really dysfunctional husband called Daniel who seems to me like he's got Asbergers. He's a bit like Martin Clunes in Doc Martin, kind of obsessed with his work and can't stop talking about it. Which would be fine if he did something interesting. Unfortunately he's a dentist and Lydia gets really hacked off when he brings home those dodgy dentistry magazines full of gums covered in weeping sores or in the middle of a dinner party he starts banging on about a fantastic root canal he did the other day in tedious excruciating detail.

So yesterday Lydia popped round with a bottle of wine and said did I want to take a break? Well I didn't really but what could I do? So I let her in. Sometimes her problems are quite entertaining. For a while they were trying to have a second kid so Daniel was popping Viagra but he'd always drink wine with it and she'd come home to find him with a hard on but unable to do anything with it as he was asleep over a bottle of wine. Their sex life is a disaster, as she's always telling me. She suggested watching porn together to give it some oomph but he quashed the idea, saying it gave him unrealistic expectations of women's beauty (which seemed like a pretty bogus excuse to me!) She eventually asked him why he never wants to have sex with her and he said sorry she was too hairy. She is kind of hairy but for God's sake he knew that when he married her!

Anyway this time Lydia was going on about how she'd booked a Sex Therapist for them to go to but Daniel said he had no slots in his diary until July for seeing the therapist! I told her that was bollocks. That he was avoiding going to the sex therapist like he was avoiding sex with her. The problem with it is that really she should divorce him but she won't because she wants all the nice trappings of being a dentist's wife. Finally I got rid of her and got back to my book.

The thing is when I was a stew I felt very free. Every day was a new adventure. Every day you might find yourself in a new port surrounded by a fabulous posse of new guests. I don't tell Lydia too much about it - it only makes her insanely jealous!

I mean, come on, what is it about me. Is it just me or do you find you're a sort of sounding board for other people's problems? Also is a messy lady garden a turn off?

Roxy

XX

22 comments:

  1. A well thatched lady garden is like a summer meadow on an August evening and is to be savoured. The dentist sounds an idiot - I mean, does he avoid sliding his instruments into the mouths of bearded clients...?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am still stuck on the idea of having access to a guilt-free hard-on! Wouldn't matter how bushy your garden was!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. haha!! Put me down for the first copy of your book. Seriously :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Bwahahaahaa!! My husband says he likes a good hairy snatch. TMI?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Steve.... I have a hunch the dentist might like beards a bit too much so to speak I mean, he may well bat for the other team, always talking about the size of guys appendages at the gym shower etc!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Remind me not to call him for a root canal...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Aaaahhhh.

    Definitely TMI. All of you.

    LCM x

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have found pictures of my Aunty with a bikini beard. I will publish them soon.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Scarlet Blue oooh you saucy mare! I can't wait!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I can't wait to read your book and find out about all the shenanigans that go on alongside the shuffleboard. Cruise ships are common locales for naughty stories. I just bought a book called "Confessions from a Luxury Liner". And I once organised an interactive erotic story set on such a vessel. My character was that of the lecherous captain.

    When it comes to the issue of hair down there, I think a true appreciation of its charms was best expressed by Billy in the movie "Porky's" when he said : "I never seen so much wool. You could knit a sweater." In the cold weather there is nothing like slipping into a nice wooly sweater.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Aussiescribbler...wow the interactive erotic story sounds fab. And certainly my book does feature a lecherous captain so I'll keep you posted when it gets published. Thanks so much for popping by

    ReplyDelete
  12. Nothing surprises me, Roxy.

    Your prose seems strangely familiar... and comforting.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I just went somewhere else reading this one post, so when you get that juggernaut published I am buying a copy for sure. Awesome.

    Oh, and as a general rule I never pass up the offer of a shared bottle of wine, regardless of the work to be done. And it is this procrastination which probably explains the reason why I am still writing my memoir 4 years after starting it....

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sounds like it's going to be a good book :)i've gave you a award on my blog,please take a look :)http://clairejustineoxox.blogspot.com/2011/04/so-pleased-to-get-these-awardsnot-1-but.html

    ReplyDelete
  15. Book title - "Sea No Evil". Non? (Get it? Sea= See). Ok, ok, pathetic.
    I cannot believe you stunned London City Mum into silence. That says it all.

    ReplyDelete
  16. There once was a girl called Louise
    Whose pubic hair hung down to her knees!
    The crabs got together
    and knitted a sweater
    so her flaps wouldn't freeze in the breeze...

    Sorry! I couldn't resist. I once recited that over the staff radio when working in a ski resort in New Zealand (another place where many crazy things happen). The was a stunned silence, then my boss came on the radio and said "Um, 10-9?" (Means - repeat please!)

    Great post, cracked me up. Looking forward to reading more of 'em!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Definitely TMI here. The lady garden poem is ace!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Cheerie....Wow! Such talent should not be wasted. You will defo be the next poet laureate! lol

    ReplyDelete
  19. Great post it had me in stitches!! Think the hubby could be rooting another canal elsewhere by the sound of it!!!! Surely real women do not have perfectly snipped lady gardens all the time?
    Just found your blog via another and will be following intently for the tales from the sea....I have to live off others excitement :(
    Pop over to muminmeltdown.blogspot.com or on Twitter @ muminmeltdown.
    Thanks T x

    ReplyDelete
  20. mum in meltdown....stay tuned for plenty of scintillating sea tales! Still scribbling away on them at present. I think one should try and keep one's lady garden somewhat under control you know

    ReplyDelete
  21. Well I for one can't wait to read your finished book and then I hope Lydia will be the inspiration for your second one ;)

    ReplyDelete